Him (part 1)

Hey, it’s been more than a year now, huh?
and i come with no good news in my hand.
i don’t know why it was like this.
but, this is what it is.

i am now the most broken of me since 2012.
yeah, the day i lost my mum.
the day i break into thousand pieces.

---

Let me tell you story.
Oh, you might have known.
My story was a major joke of universe.
Like God or whatever you believe create all of these while He were watching a shitty Simpsons episodes, and eat a messy burritos, then spill a diet coke on the mat and His dog licking the mat with its tongue full of mud in its mouth.
And he was like… “‘Eh…?? Why not?”
So, i let that be at least one kind of enjoyment for you.
Of what i felt was a miserably horrible experience, i might just jump off the cliff and die when no one is watching.
It’s only seem a mere joke to you.

I kid you not.
But, hey.. don’t take this tail too serious. I repeat, if this is a mere joke to some of you.
So, might as well enjoy this together.

---

Earth, the soil were so dry in the peak of summer that time.
Sky was so blue, i barely can see what clarity of mind looks like.
I still drove my 2009 carbon-automatic-bike as you always have mind of me.
The day was just so.. i don’t know how to express it.
But, if you have watched the infamous Sound of Music‘s scene where Julie Andrews dancing in the nice field, that sum it up.
… But it was actually really just a mediocre Tuesday for me.

Although, something inside told me, that it wasn’t.
I’m gonna meet this person, who i know from my friends that happened to be in some community i always have my time working on.
It was so beautiful as i can remember then.
It was that beautiful that i, whom most of my memories are wiped away by some therapy back in the days can clearly remember them.

And for some unlogical reasons, the night was raining, in the peak of summer night, the earth decided to drizzle some water down its surface.
And believe me, back then i was that energetic girl who can always put others on my top priority.
(Future me will bitch-slap this easy-hearted-pure-minded-loving-all-but-her-self-butch-ass for real, though)
I was already on my room, ready to put my tv-serial DVD on, for all i know, i was always this homey girl who will appreciate the warm and cozy bed with hot choco while bingeing on some series.
But, with only one text contains “i need you” in my notification, off i go.
Ignoring that tomorrow morning i still have work and night class to attend to.
(So, yeah. A hard bitch-slap in the face to bleed, indeed)

The cafe was actually nice, as i remember those.
It might be that, the reason i can call them as my base. One place to go, whatever the occasion.
Oh, they also served good hot choco with a reasonable and affordable price. And the bartender was the nicest one i will ever met, probably.

He texted me in, cause he has something he can’t process on. I don’t really remember if it was financially, or a romantically. All i can remember was, it has nothing to do with me, nor the relationship i had with him. I was just there to listen and maybe consulted him.

The relationship i had with him was… platonic(?)
There’s nothing really special about it in that area. But, you know people always see us differently, sometimes with rhapsodical look, like… one when you see an old married couple walking side by side on the park? or, the one when you see how content a widower walking in the park witg only his dog? yeah, that kind of look.
(also, i need to upgrade my knowledge of content and happiness outside the people around this park area i’ve been writing this post)
I might be unaware of my feelings toward him. But, that ain’t my problem now. I feel comfortable of where i was, where we were right now on this relationship.
It was just feel right(?)
And to my defense, i treat people the same. If you have my number, and you know (or believe) of what i’m capable of on certain things, and decided to trust me with all of those problems to tell to, i will honor it the same way i did now.

I was already there.
Sitting on a bar-stool chatting to its bartender, a mandatory acts that i think i’d do every time i went there. And hey, he hasn’t come. So, the more reasons to, i thought.
15 mins..

30 mins..

60 mins..

Hey, something is wrong.
‘I know it’s pouring outside. But, i made it. Where is he?’ I thought.
Until i decided to call him.
And he… decided not to come.
“It’s pouring outside, you know” He said.
Ahh.. he pulled this again.

This was like the tenth time for the past month he did this to me.
I, who straight up went out without even do my make up and riding “My Ex” (yeah, i called my bike that, cause it was funny when people hear me saying “i ride my ex to school”) on the drizzling weather leaving my warm and cozy bed with its DVD on tuesday night because i thought this thing was really urgent (at least for me, cause what’s important for him, might as well for me too).
I actually went to far, i know. But i never want to regret if someday he pulled a suicidal act, while i drank my choco because i ignored him in times like this.
So, i texted “are you okay, though?”
He texted back right away “Onto”
At least, i know he’s processing it better now, unlike the ones before when… ah, never mind. I don’t need to remind my self that.

So, yeah.. He pulled this, again. I understand his situation, but… yknow?!
“What can i do about it now?” I thought.
I can’t go back home, cause it was pouring, and the bartender gave a really nice speech of some topic, i can’t missed on.
And i had beaten up my expectation on actually meeting him and made my day.
So, might as well fix that with the topic bartender gave before let the world wash on me when i’m riding My Ex home, ya?

I observed every word the bartender says enthusiastically. It was fun.
Until, some stranger whom dripping on his coat open the door. And while he takes that off, he asked the bartender to make him “The Usual” as he sits beside me.
Wow.
‘The Usual?‘ How often did he come here, to make him credible on saying that term? I was always here (or so i thought), but i never saw him once before.
The bartender was straight away making him ‘The Usual’ as i saw the ingredients he put into it; It was 91% dark choco, and a shot of banana essence and a splash of mint drips.
‘Ayy.. exactly how i liked it! But, howw???’ I’m intrigued.

After some time, i braced my self to ask him.
“91%, huh? There are really thin population of this universe i know of to enjoy that extent of dark chocolate. And to level it with banana and mint essence, it was biblically hated by most people.” I say it as flat as i could be.

“Haha.. personal reference is overrated. But i am willing to go to hell for this, though.” He replied. His smile shows an uneven line between his lips that compliment the dimple on his right cheek.

“Hell is also overrated for its perniciousness of a place, and also underrated for other point of views. I personally thought it was a nice place to live in.” Huh? i do really try to make a conversation with him.

“Perniciousness? Whatta bold choice of word. You came from Oxford?”

“Nah.. UCB, Communication Major.”

“LMU, Literature.” and i unvoluntarily gazed.

“So, you lived in Munich?” I still can’t hide my sparkly eyes to this fact.

“Yeah, feels like a life time ago. But, Berkeley is a real fancy Uni. I just wonder what makes you decided to stay in this city, though.”

“… this chocolate?” i raised my mug a little.

“hahaha..” we laughed together as he hugged his cup with his both hands, and sip. So did i.

And so, it began.

---

‘Where the dog-poo of life you mentioned earlier‘ you might think.
Well, for something to hit really hard, you have to have to take some steps back to have more force on when it hits.
So, when the force struck, it’ll trembled off the entire being that it hits.

You can still make joke about this, though.
Like, how silly of me to think of writing this was a great idea.
To be honest, i don’t.
Literally, for 7 to 9 years i try to never think of any great ideas.
I’ve been cursed.
Yet, i’m still living.

And the story will go around….

Holidays

A shooting stars.
I saw it when i walked home, on my feet with feelings weighting on my shoulders.
A longing of a feeling being safe and home.
Songs aired all over the places.
Worshiping God in all His Glory.
That we are winning of the fights, we don’t know we had.

Looking at my steps, my feet are getting slower.
I don’t stomp or anything.
I don’t even make sounds of its friction with the road.
I just try to be as invisible as possible.
I just try to be as distant as possible.
But, it’s not.

It is too personal to be away.
It is too deep to be ignored.

I cried.
Cryptically.
Being weak is the last thing i want to be seen right now.
Being pity. Pftch.

I try to walk away from the crowd.
I try to numb my heart from all the things.
I try to not remembering what this was used to be like.
I try it all.
And i easily failed.

But, anyway.
Despite everything..
Happy holidays for you and enjoy your winning!

It’s not like i will be done with my fight anytime soon.

7 YEARS

well, it ain’t a chocolate dipped strawberry like story.
it’s more like a a a a a a… storm outside while you feel so lonely inside a dark room with no one to share your stories with or even cup of hot beverages to calm your mind off from spiralling..

---

Do you ever feel like you’re floating in some thin air and couldn’t even breathing, but yet you do and the air that you breath feels like a poisonous dusts and nothing you can do but to surrender to the fact, that you are dying, but your soul won’t go away, so it feels like you are hanged by a thread, and no matter how hard you are try to shovel soils to buried your body into, or collecting cordwood for your incineration, or even preparing the wave in the ocean to take your soon to be swamped body away from people to be seen, you just languishly living and dying in every single breath that you take?

Or, do you ever wishing something so bad so bad that people might think you are crazy to even give time to think about it, ergo you just keep containing those thoughts that you know however point of view you might be able to see it, it won’t budge the very fact that it is a really really so so bad idea to wish for, heck even to think about. hence, you are a stupid maniac mentally disturbed looney covered by a layer that might have just been seen as an okay person, you know, they know, world knows that it is a layered manipulation or ostensible, but no one even bothered to budge the layer so they don’t have to deal with your drama?

Or, do you ever walking around in a crowd with red wine mixed with cold beer on the right hand, and unstoppable smoking weed on the left, build upon a distraction of something ruining inside your head to actually having fun for just a second, your friends are there really trying to shower you with love they think you need, and you do, but no matter how hard they try to, they just can’t breach the wall you’ve built and that you are just alienated your self from the reality, it’s numb, really numb, not a pinch or even strike by lightning can shove those alienation, you feel you are just an outsider that no one loved, even your death wouldn’t be discovered, not until your body is already decomposed, and spread a smell for at least a block?

I wish, any of you can relate.
Cause, at times, i don’t know when.
I don’t want to be alone.

7 years, and it gotten worse.
7 years, and i haven’t moved on.
7 years, and i’m still abruptly woken up at 2 am and sobbingly crying.
7 years, and i miss you more.

People said, time will heals.
It does, to whatever wounds i do have outside the very body of mine, broken ribs from one drunken night i fell into some drain in the road, scratch to deep skin from one crazy night with alcohol, with a lot of blood involved, i had to throw my shirt away it looks like a homicide evidence, or even damaged liver and hearts cause you know… drunk all night long and working in the day light every day of the week, oh… also my lungs that corrupted and believed blackened because of toxic gasses that i forced to suck in my body and it piling up to some sticky disgusting mucus that can’t be taken away. BUT HEY, TIME HEALS, AND NOW I’M FINE!

But, i am not.

Deep down inside, i know i am not.
I never am. Or, maybe will ever be.
Or, so i thought.

7 years ain’t that long.
But, boy… do i count, it is ain’t easy to pass it fast too.
I am broken, yet toughen, yet broken.
It ain’t easy.
It isn’t.

Mothers Day.

There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too
Then one night, as I closed my eyes
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, “Peter Pan, that’s what they call me
I promise that you’ll never be lonely, ” and ever since that day~

I am sitting here on my mum’s gravestone.
Trying hard to not cry cause, what people might think of a grown man in a delinquent outfit with a grey hair and bouquet of his mums favourite flowers in the dusk alone crying in that time?
Not that i give any sh*t of what people might think of me.
But, i just want to honour what my mum’s life has gave people’s life meaning. including me. mostly me.
And i don’t want to be seem ruining it.
I’ll be just this unknown people who mourn of her passing away.

---

7 years old i was in that orphanage.
Crying in silence on my knee or under my own pillow till it’s soak and make me should rushing to dry it on the roof first time in the morning when everyone is still fast asleep so no body will notice.
Or, perhaps i let it be, and make people think i piss on my bed every night i do cry. But, no.. I don’t want to be a burden.
Never will i let my self be a burden.

Mum was all i had. But she wasn’t strong enough to endure the lemons of life reality brew and ripen to her.
At least, that is what i thought that is.
I blame her.
Yet, i still can’t even think i could even live without her.
I was too young to be left in this world alone. And too fragile to let fall over and over and over again.

The day of the funeral, my aunt take my custody for the sake of whatever they call ‘inheritance’.
Lots of people talk in the background, it feel so blurred i can’t remember a thing. Not even i’m able to remember how much tears i shed that day. My cousin said, i had none.
But, later that day. i move in to my aunt’s home, i don’t really feel like home. It was so weird. I feel so alienated. And never been so away from reality i’ve been given in my life.
And i used to live in a broken home, where no father figure have ever been in a picture.
And my house never was a home for anyone who was living in that building. It was only a shelter.
But, this home was feels like even worse than that.

So, i took a very long step away from that house.
Unannounced.
I only took 2 shirts for change, 1 jacket (in case i ever get cold), and a picture of me when i was a baby in the held of my mum’s arms with me when i go.
I looked so happy, and innocent with that frame.
But, it feels like centuries ago. I can’t even remember that ever happened.
I look in the back of that photo “July 7th, 2012”.
Only 6 years ago.
“Ah, never mind..”

I walked and see around.
There was actually nothing to be seen that time.
It was half an hour past 2 in the morning, so.. that should be the reason why.
I saw a shooting stars once or twice while i walk, but then i still refuse to even make a wish, any wish.
I only think that the best think i could ask is a hug, and only a hug.
that is a luxury i am audaciously dream when i feel like i’m worth it.
but, i never even once, am.

Dusk, the sun starts peeking.
I still walk towards nowhere. Haplessly looking forward to a point when i can feel it’s the finish line.
Warm my body lost its shiver of cold. I start taken off my jacket and spread it in the high-grass field i didn’t even know exactly at.
I’d think it should be better if i sleep when the sun is out.
I never sleep in dark. I hate it. I feel frowzy every time i do.

And something awakened me.
It’s the familiar soothing feeling i never knew i had. but, again. It is so familiar, i never feel more safe in my life, than the feeling i had with this thing awaken me.
I feel the universe smiling at me for the very first time.
A strange feeling, but again. I knew it somewhere.
It smells so comforting. Like a home-made cook, in a loving house-hold filled with love and affection, a laughter was heard somewhere around me.
But, when i look around, there is nothing but a mild white space, nothing too sparky, but it is definitely something i would address as the most radiately glancing sight my eyes can span out.

Someone was there already, with the most gracious smile, i never had my entire life.
Oh, maybe i had. But, it was a slight second of memoirs that flashed in my mind.
She offers her hand, and ask me to take her hand and follow her.
I hesitant.
My mind was all fuzzy with all the flashy memories that happened to hit me in that very time alone.
Like, tons of broken puzzles was thrown in a table and it sorts on its own, without me do anything.
I think i know that smile.
I think i know that face.

“OH!!!”

It is actually the same smile i saw back then.
I barely remember that face, cause she looks so different from the memories i had.
I saw her when the first time i open my eyes in this world after i was born.
She…
She was…
She…

SHE IS MY MUM !!!

“Don’t worry, child.”
“You’re here now. Come..”

I take her hand, and she hugged me.
And every broken bones, broken hearts, all the pains, and sufferings are magically fixed.
All the puzzles that thrown in the table has formed a picture of a story of my life.
It starts with a smiling baby and its mum, the very smile i just saw in the face of a woman i held in my hug right now.
Moving side, there is a silhouette of a man leaving both of us crying in the house i can recall as a shelter before.
And the woman was working 4 jobs to fulfilling what the baby needs. She cries, she bleeds, she fell, and she hurts along the way.
But, in the end of the day, she was smiling holding her baby who was so happy seeing her face again after being neglected for the day in that very reasons.
She bought all the necessities the baby need without flaws with every pennies she earned from the 4 jobs she did, and she often had to hold her hunger to feed the baby the best food there is without any doubt.
Until the baby has grown, and she fell a sick.
And the rest are history i vividly remember.
THAT I BLAME HER FOR EVERYTHING.

I bawl and drown in tears of contriteness.
She pat me gently, with the pressure of a loving touch i can barely remember, but i know i had those. i did have those.
And she said,
“That’s okay, my son. I’m sorry and forgive you for every little things we had back in the living.”

“But, here we are now. Finally, together in love. Together in devotion. Together in eternity. You are mine as i am yours forever since now.”

And i know, i had lived from the love. And leave of love. I’ll never be alone anymore.

---

I put the bouquet of the favourite flowers my mum love in front of the gravestone.
Along with the a handwriting letter i wrote back when i was 7 years old.
I shed my tears that had fallen some in my ripped soiled jeans jacket i use along with the ripped short showing some of my scars from my fight few yeas back, saying..

“HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, THE BEST MUM EVERY KID EVER HAD HAVE HOPE FOR.
I LOVE YOU FROM THE VERY FIRST BREATH I TAKE TO THE LAST ONE I WHISTLE AS I THINK OF YOUR HUMMING LULLABY.

X,
YOUR SON.

*ps: i promise to make you proud of me someday!!! x)”

Overthinking.

“Don’t overthinking things. It’s useless. You know that.”

Yeah.
It’s as if that easy.
If only someone will scream on the biggest megaphone there is right on my ears, and the bigger the sound is the more effective it will be.
I’m willing to go deaf, for the greater good of everyone’s sake.

---

47 years i thought i had live my life.
And most of it are somewhat a waste of the beings.
Failed marriages, and spoiled kids are always my top anxiety of what had become.
Striving to some careers that only distracts of what life really brings on silver plates, moments i had to let passed by without even tasting how disgusting yet flavourful the dish are.
It’s really uncanny to finally really think about that.

Now i am sitting on a park-bench with a 5 years old laptop i had from some christmas gifts back in the office.
Listening to the instrumental music i thought will soothe me from these anxieties.
Looking at how beautiful these kids playing around with each other and really being present on enjoying their time, their lives.
Even makes me feel more anxious.

Regrets.
No, it’s much deeper than that.
I don’t have words for that, in the matter of a fact, i don’t have words for anything at all.
I’m writing blindly.
All of the feelings, all of the stories, and all of that matters are all being tangled to each other in a pocket of an anxious mind.
I don’t know how to sort them out, i can’t even find its ends.
It’s all too stuffy for a very old-me.

And yeah, christmas is coming.
I don’t have any plans on wether who will i spend the holidays with. Probably no one. Like the usual.
Maybe not that usual, cause the anxieties definitely amplified to an extent where i don’t have any more power to cope and deal with it.
Life was giving me too much plates with sour lemons in it, i don’t even know how anything taste anymore.

But, the chill is still there.
The long cold night is always be my favourite worst thing on this season.
I can curled up under the blanket and think about stuff i did back when i was 22.
When i finally met the love of my life. The one who fixed my broken heart of losing a mother, a person i thought i love the most (yeah, it sticks even until now).
I took him for granted. And he’s dead long time ago.
Exactly a year after the breakup.
And i, was always be that one who never keep track on timeline, knows exactly how long it has been from the breakup.
It is 23 years 4 months 27 days and 6 hours 32 minutes from the moment i write this.

He left with all the millions of feelings, cause i’m still loving him deeply.
I can still feel the wound that thing has give me.

Snow is starting falling down on my lap, and going straight kaput into oblivion. no, i mean, water. snow turns into water (duh?)
The weather getting colder now, and the sun is nowhere to be seen.
But, i feel warm, no, i feel burning inside. Like, something is about to blow out from my chest.
I wanna cry, the well of tears that holds them is cracking up, and i want to cry. I do really want to cry. But, i can’t.
No, i don’t feel crying is a sign of my weakness. And i’m not afraid of being weak. I’m physically weak now. I might have die, if i stay 3 hours longer in this bench with this weather. But…
You know, when you really want to cry but you don’t know what the reasons are and can’t really do it physically, you just like.. cried inside?

I don’t know about a physical interaction would help me.
But, one of my former friends told me, that i might have needing a good hug, that fixes a broken bones and make it stronger when i do actually have a broken ribs 2 years ago because of clumsiness.
And yeah, i said former.
Cause he is dead.
How could i befriend with a dead person?
Maybe soon, when i am actually dead too. But, what are the chances that we will be meeting each other in the afterlife, where i don’t really believe it exists?

But, to think about it more.
I know, i am closer than ever to my death. Actual death.
Not the one when i said “i am dead inside”
It was happened very loooong time ago, i can’t even remember when.
But i am sure it happened when i was even younger than you, 3 years ago when you read this. (i’m not sure why i write this, though. merely a joke much?)
Back the topic, i don’t know where will i go after i’m dead.
I’m not scared of being death, per se.
But, the dying part, i do actually am.
How do i take care of my dying if i can’t even talk or walk or do anything else rather than groaning to bear the pain?

Well, it’s getting colder here now.
just 2 and half hour before i’m actually dying out of the coldness of the weather here.
So, i’ll talk you when my mind playing tricks on me again. won’t we?
Just make sure that you take care of your well-being until then.

---

Honestly, it’s really hard for me to bear all the pain in me.
And only if i could, i would not second-thought of being deaf and finally efectifying the screams of not overthinking things.
I would.

Trailer

Deep dark nights.
Strolling around the road where we used to hold hands in laughter.
There is no fear of anything horror.
Cause i held you even closer.

Dawn, we break the barrier.
Your parents are behind doors looking with their anger.
But we ain’t even bother.
Like a spoiling toddler.

Jump we in your room with heater.
Continuing what we talked before.
And fell asleep under your bedcover.
A glimpse of the memoirs of your life in mine.
A trailer of the stories of ours.
An happiness we had have.
A pain i must endure.

End.

as we grew up on the things we love, we also happened grew out of things we knew our self about.
as we lined up in the pursue of things we think we need, we also happened to be ignorant of what is really happening by time.
as we throw away big dreams in the sake of living the small ones, we also happened to lost our track on the purpose of life.
and as we love each other that deep, we also happened to leave ones that we loved before, unconsciously.

love.
used to be the most cliche thing, i would never cease to approach in whatever substance i’ll be in.
i would literally walk out from the circle, if they’re starting to deflect the topics about it every now and then.
i would alter the topics to some nasty dirty stuff everyone would puke and be abhor my notions.
i would pry my eyes out and cut my ears off if i can’t do either one of the above.

but, everything with you really turned the tables around me.
everything about you change all of my perspectives of what it used to be something i ain’t even be able to conceive my self be in one huge mess of falling in love.
yes, i still believe falling in love is such a huge mess i would never ever be able to retract and claim my own self anymore.
i’m changed.
for better and for worse.

yet, i really relish these.

but, every thing must have an end.
start has finish.
school has graduation.
life has death.
and love has a realization.

so much things happened in between, yet so little time we think we really had.
but, if we look back through these past years, darling.
you’ll see every footprints we had marked our life intogetherness through the path we took alacrity.
each of every single footprint has at least one meaning for us.

like, remember when you immaculately invite me to your place after that night we first met, cause you see it was such a good idea to spending a time with stranger you like and happened to be an alien of your life you know nothing about?
i could just rob you, and do some nasty stuff back then.
but, i really liked you, and laugh at your invite and explain things in my point of view.
i believe you just didn’t know how cruel life is to people, more to people like you.

or, remember the one when we travel far away, you asked me to go somewhere i’ve never been. and you towed me to see life the way you see it when all i see was a dark-grey scenery without any excitements. just, MEH everything?
but, you coloured my life in experiences of something new, board in a jetski, see dolphins jump around from the the ocean pacific sea, or waiting in line for hours to finally ride a theme park games in Japan, or paid some overpriced cost for napping on a sleeping pod in airport because we don’t want to miss our flight in the morning, or better yet we sleep in the chair of airport because the same thing. you gave me that much colours.

do you remember that one time when you ditch me on your leisure plans for us in yogyakarta?
i ended up with your bestfriend, Tifi to shift some plans and tickets so we both can still go and enjoy the plans, even when you weren’t there. and we swayed the hardway, as a backpacker to explore everything the city offered on budget. we rode a motorbike with 2 enormous backpack, travelled for at least 4-6 hours in nowhere, to get to the best view of a beach we had ever seen, an unsighted by the public beach.
and 2 days before we head back home, you decided to show up, gracing us with some fresh fortune, cause we basically have nothing on both of our accounts. we practically worried of how will we be ending up as if you weren’t there.
then, we spend the rest of the plans together, see some sightings, shopping, and eat really well. you were our sugar on top of our creme brulee.

and, do you remember how everytime i melted down into some ill-witted mental strikes at night, or even at daylight in public and i couldn’t even talk you about it.
you always knew what to do. you always knew what to say. you always there even when i told you to leave. you just being as divine as you were. you always have.
but, these strikes ain’t no joke, and you knew that all along.
so, we’ll just hanging by a thread in the edge of ailing.

but, do you remember when you were sick, and i hold you in my place, cause your place ain’t have the premise to take care of you, i knew it, you knew it, we both know it.
i tried to cover you with all the love, so you can feel better again.
i tried to feed you with compassion, so, you can show your untidy set of teeth smile again.
i tried to do anything i could, so you’re not alone. but, i still have to work.
and you have the urge to seeking for more attention.
and i feel resented.

every footprints that we left has our feelings contained for the history of our togetherness.
left foot or right, everything that’s there, we recognized the containment.
the joys, the laughs, the touchy mental, the tears, and the pains.
i will never trade even one of them with the world, albeit if The True Power of Universe offers it and compels me to.

but, as i said.
everything must have an end.
unbarring ours.

and just like that, we knew there wasn’t enough of us to keep us a piece.
we knew there wasn’t enough bones even if ours combined to bear the reality.
we knew there wasn’t enough bandage to cover the wounds. we knew that the amygdala was too big for us to handle, even with all the hands and helps combined.
we just realized.

so, even when i beg on my knees and my face fronts your skirt, don’t pull me up.
even when i weep on my tears, lax, and withered, don’t wash me with compassion.
and even when i’m on rage, self-destructing, and scream on pain, don’t.. just, don’t.
cause, i’d do the same to you.

leave, cause we know it’s best.
try to fix the damages on our each moiety on our own.
try to be dependence and let loose our ties.
try to walk facing forward, not to side, cause i’ll be no longer there.
and so will you.

and with this cup of iced-latte of starbucks, we’ve reach our end.

Middle.

I remember waking up 3am in the morning, crawling and beseeching angel of death to just take me away instead of sustaining what’s beneath the unconscious cover layered wounds that’s lodged inside me throttling me silently, enacts some thought that i think can’t even breath, and i couldn’t.
and there you were, on my bed.
startled over by the fricative mess i made beside you. i remember crying and hold my breath in the same time. it was horrendous.
you tried to comfort me, hugged me and ceded me your neck, one place you know i’ll always seek to find comfort, like a nestling to its mother’s belly, safe, warm, providing, and most of all, it’s like a plug of connection between each other.
your scent somehow alter all the anxieties into some comfort thought, that i’m not here alone, and i’ll never be in this fight on my own ever again.

you changed your gesture, once you know i’m no longer cry-panicking. fixing the uncomfortable positions of us in order to seize a comforting one.
you lift my face up, my eyes still shut and look down for some reasons, trying to recover from the pain that hits my whole self.
you said, “hey… hey,  it’s okay. i’m here. you’re not alone. never will.”
before, i never believed anyone who said anything as cliche as this, nor have i ever do to anyone said anything evoking an expectation.
but, as one saying “it only needs one right person to make everything wrongs a right.”
then, i raise my sight. seeing your eyes teary apart of what just happened of me, without knowing the reasons behind it, without any hesitations of what come may in the future. you cried cause you feel the pains, my pains.
a breeze came from the open window and whispers my thought, and snap my consciousness to a realization, that it is, you.
you were my realization above all logic i held up high to believed what i believed, or better yet, used to.
we both cohered with the rest of the night uniting the souls and every atoms and particles we have as one whole universe, our universe.

we walk through the same path.
you were always beside me, holding my arms tight. see the world full of dreams and opportunities. planning all the trips, wiring the connections for us to move from one to another extent. cheering and spoiling along to me. dragged me to a land i’ve never stepped in before, and gave me life i never knew i could ever have, happily.
and i was always there, shew you the world as a realistic person would, pessimistic ways to keep us lay in the soil, organized, and prepared. keeping you company and blew a heart-warming birthday surprise into your room when you were airing on some radio show talking about relationship. and offer you everything i have invariably without any hesitant seconds of thinking.
we were always be there for each other. we were.

miles we walked, millions of laughs we shared, and countless seconds we’ve been together.
one time, you wore the same navy dress you wore when you blew my head and turned it into some endorphin lairs of love. i was.. stumbled.
there’s still one amusing fact of my brain i found out when i’m with you, that.. you have the power over me, that i’ve never gave to anyone, but my mum (well, technically i didn’t gave it to my mum, she just claimed it was hers in the first place, understandably)
but, better yet.. it’s a total different kind of power over me you have that makes me standing still like a fool. i was speechless, and amazed while my mind being taken to the night that you were unwrap me emotionally, made me vulnerably torn, but you sooth me gently with those touch, flushed me sweet with your saliva, and lured me with all the lust that’s been burst out into a star that watched us collided.
my hands were clammy to even began to hold yours, but your smile just absorbed all of those, your tiny hands are wrapped in mine. and we continued our walk.

i was happy, like i never thought i will ever again.
you were always there with your-untidy-set-of-teeth-smiles laughing at silly things i said, even though it wasn’t funny at all. and i always try put that kinda smile in your face, even the world sometimes puts you down of your self-acceptance, but for me you were and always be the perfect fit for whatever shape of puzzles my life needed to be completed. and i always be your washed-up-armored-knights to protect you for whatever things you fear.
oh, and the hair that fall out dramatically in your face every time you running on to me always stunned me and flew me to an imagination, where even coyote finally caught roadrunner in the acme universe. something beyond impossible, but it’s not for us.
i just had everything that i’d ever wish in life when i have you in my arms. EVERY THING.
i don’t have any fear, anxiety, nor whatever depressing mind junks whenever you sleep on my arms while hugging me tight, and yea, sniff my neck or playing with my nipple to fell asleep.
and every time i woke up, the first thing i saw was always your beautiful face, i then kiss your forehead, and you woken up smiling and say “i love you” and tightens your hug to my body, continuing your sleep. makes me feel like i never want to leave the bed, no, i never want to leave you, like ever.

but there were times, when it was hard.
remember the time, i slept on the floor while you were crying on bed?
actually, i can’t remember the reasons behind those nights, all i have memorized until now was how soothing your blanket smells, and how good you looked in my shirt after those enchanting things happened on the bed.
but, yeah.. there were times, when we did have it rough.
when i leave you in the middle of the night because of some dramas we fought in, and stormed out to find some air, and drinks to clear the fogs out.
one other thing i really love about you is, you never leave. not even once.
even, on the greatest fight we had, you were still there, even just physically there. no talks, no interactions, no nothing.
later that i know, it’s cruciating painful to you too, cause aside from what you had feel, you know i always have it harder than you. (not, that i’m belittle what you’ve been through, but you know).
all those anxieties, panic attacks, and depressions are piled up on my baggage waiting to be poured into some hot mess dramas.
you considered all those. you did.
but, by no means, you had your moments to walk out my place, and storm out or, having them released. i never intended to finding out what you did back then.
i trust you with all my might. i always have.

but, in the end of the night, i’ve always come to you. and you, to me.
and all the heat we’ve made is washed away just like that, in a blink of an eye, caused by hugs, one place we feel like our true self for each other, for the world.
your body transfer some intoxication vibe into me, and mine to yours.
two bodies that always find each other to interflow. two bodies counts as one that finds nothing in the middle.

Beginning.

it starts with that hot chocolate cup in nanny’s pavilion.
and you walk to me to that very table, and starts to introduce yourself.
like one to have a job interview.
but, in that time of night. really?

you came to me as a spoiled kid, with that oversized maroon sweatshirt, and shorts, and fancy monsterous phone (well, i said it, cause it looks like it on your hands?).
oh, and you smiled.
that untidy set teeth of yours.
puts me into a zone.
i was weirdly fascinated.
and blown. a little. or much. i didn’t even know how to fathom in dimensions.

we share information, as ones who try to know each other.
stiff as we were, but it went beyond what i had expecting.
i didn’t remember anything specific, but those glaring split seconds.
thus seconds made our eyes met and glued like it was south to north side magnet. full of delight and kinda bit flirty. but, we didn’t let each other’s stare go.
night was still young, but a spoiled princess as you were, it is time for you to bed.
so, i ride you home.

your gesture in the backseat of my bike could be interpreted as a little creepy, now that i’m thinking about. yea, it was a bit tad creepy.
but, i liked you in the first place. first glance.
so, i let you do your thing, that is sniffed my neck while i’m riding.
i was afraid that you’ll be freezing in that time of night riding a bike with me.
i could offer you my jacket, but, you know..
i didn’t even want that moment to just slipped away.
but as God knows that, i’ve been known for the holding-the-feelings-type-kinda-guy.
so, i didn’t offer the jacket and just let that slipped.
Jesus takes the wheels kinda act.

but, there was one touch of a hand that i can’t get my self to wipe off when you say goodbye and gave me that kind of flirty-handshake-without-the-shake? (basically, we both just want more physical contacts back then).
those quizzical small hand of yours got my sense the best of me.
and to be honest, the maroon sweater you wore got me envisage the possibilities of sniffing you back all night long.
all of your components in your being that night just got the edge of me.
and for the very first time, i do believe love at the first sight.
but, hey.. it was still too early to imply that.

just like an early morning hummingbird flying through a magical place, with a blue and green basic earth voice there are.
i was mesmerized along on my ride home.
leaving the whole birth-suit my mum grant me when she gave me birth, and let me flowing with the humming sound might lead to.
even though, it was dark, but feeling ain’t make that matter.

i feel like, eaten.
eaten by the sensations of a light-hearted-snow-fluffing-warm-showering-snug, totally oblivious that this thing i was experience is prolly gonna jump me with some twitch, one i’ve been trying to avoid along these years, but it wasn’t. or was not yet.
so for one, i am collided with universe.

as youngster as we were, we texted back and forth, you were the first face i can imagine when i woke up from my bed, and the last one before i fell asleep with my phone in my hand.
we met and shared parts of stories, ideas, life, and all until it’s whole.
we crossed and drowned in the cupid curse line, a very cushioned falling into something we don’t know, something dark yet comforting, something deep yet reachable, something terrifying yet worthy to try to.
i never have ever had the audacity to even cross the line.
but, you gave me one.

you talked about this one particular spirit animal, you always have been invested and a bit obsessed with.
you talked about how a talking-and-living-like-a-person-mice that has a dog as a pet, creating simulation of child’s brain how it is life works in an amazing way.
you talked about how he talks in a high pitch and wise, but not at all losing his fun.
you talked about how he affects your imaginations in life that has vast dimensions.
and you talked how you shared your birthday with him.
you talked about your MiMo, a Mickey Mouse.

a Disney creature you always have as your sleeping companion.
a stuffed animals you talk about everything, even those hormonal stuffs a teenage girl have in their 13.
a trophy of how picturesque your childhood was.
a life that you had.

and i shared my addiction to kick people out, cut people off, and wipe their name fade.
i shared how i struggle life in between mental violence, being neglected and forgotten.
i shared the stories of miles and miles i walk so i can be at one point of place to runaway.
i shared every little part of happiness i had everytime i gave some to ones i dearly loved.
and i shared it to you, first living being known by universe to adequate me.

i like how this made me feels.
i unconsciously put a smile on my face every time a notification popped up in my screen.
i opened my self about everything, every time i heard your voice on the other end of my phone.
i had these tachycardia beats of heart when we’re about to converge.
and everytime our eyes met, time just stops.
i can see everything in this world in halt while i’m exploring the unimagined sensations of your presence next to me.

your hair, your ponytail,
your face, your smile,
your dress, your body,
your genuinity, your being,
your presence.
God, i wish you were mine.

then, come a night i can almost cherish for years since it’s happened.
you wore that cute navy dress with a ponytail, parfume-sprayed all over your body addressed and i guess even the toes as well, you looked and smell extraordinarily fantastic, and impeccable.
you brought me a plate of pasta you claimed you cooked for me. later that i know, it wasn’t. your maid, Ade done that. but, it doesn’t devalued anything in that night.

after the dinner we went to sit under the sky on your balcony, took a sip of red wine you stole from your parents, and talked like it was our get-away-from-reality-a-newly-married-couple would have.
until, the alcohol slowly fused in my blood steam, i double-decker-ed your sitting in that very bean bags of yours, looking into your eyes, and all i see was glimpse of what heavens should looked alike.
under those sky and over the jazz music swung, i saw a glance of comfort, happiness, and lust. a perfect dance of what’s about to happen.
you opened your mouth saying “you can kiss me now” with a smirking flirt.
i land my lips on yours, and something i never thought would ever happened to me ever again just happened with you.

an endorphin-bliss bomb blown in my neurologic system and burnt my brain whole into ashes. my logic didn’t work and snapped into some damp pile of fogs.
my knees were trembling, my stomach tickles, and my blood compiled in one very spot.
i closed my eyes, but i saw everything. your world, my world, merges into one.
new colors were invented in my imaginations, and i can taste them in your tongue that slowly slipped in my mouth.
i finally feel whole. the half part that’s been lost been found. the bent part was fixed. the broken bones were tightly recovered with that hugs from your lips.
it’s weird.

worldly words ain’t describe the actual feelings back then,
like, imagine when you first start to know how to walk, and actually do it.
like, imagine how Neil Armstrong feels when he saw what he saw the moment he stepped in the moon and walk there.
like, Queen Māyā of Sakya first realized that when her son can walk, he makes a dead soil blossoming flowers (only if she lives to see this though).
well, basically my parable idioms are all on the basic term of walk.
guess what, i finally feel like walking on the ground again.
i walked a start of the beginning.

 

Terapung

Diantara khayal aku masih disini
Menunggu, menanti, satu yang tak pasti
Menjejakkan beban tubuh dalam bumi melalui telapak kaki.
Menanti.. dan terus menanti..

Apa dayaku ketika angin terus menghembuskan alurnya ke arah barat
Dimana semua orang menyongsong mimpi yang penuh akan ilusi
Menyetarakan awan dengan dangkalnya khayal
Dan kerangkeng yang melekat mengekang padat

6 bulan 5 hari engkau pergi bersama angan akan khayalan
Cinta yang terenggut oleh kenyataan,
dan Asa yang terpukul habis oleh penyesalan.
Aku masih disini..

Imanku menggoyah, aku terperangkap.
Dalam nyata atau tidaknya kuasa-Mu

Apa salahku hingga usiaku terbuang percuma
Menyesali akan yang tidak terjadi
Atau mengharapkan apa yang tidak mungkin.

Rindu aku selalu.
Terapung dalam angin menuju barat.
Melayang bersama mimpi dan harap.
Harap kau tahu, doaku selalu untukmu.