“I know this is going to happen.”
“Even when you said it’s forever.”
“It’s cliche.”
“But, we are cliche.”

You know, i was on this denying phase when i met you.
And heck you already know that i wasn’t about do something about it.
I can’t, to be precise.

Here, sit and talk to me, please.
Cause right here right now, i’m about to open my self to you.
For once, and for all the good times we may have.
And the disaster that’s coming after us right after that.

Please, stay and listen.
I’m not asking for forgiveness.
Nor that i am here for granted.
Just, sit and talk to me.

I know, i’ve been this destructing person to you.
in my defense, i always were.
And you already know that, you know the fact.
that i’m a broken piece of humanity that washed ashore.
And you said, you deal me good.
as i always said that it’s not working.
whatever this is.

Please, put your coat off, it’s wet, you’ll get cold.
Come near me, i have a space under the blanket.
For you, it’s always been just for you.
You know it.

And why are we reach to this point?
Why are we, whom always can handle all adversities good.
whom always laughing to each of every trouble we’ve faced.
whom always crying in joy to one sad story.
have to be in this cold dark room,
even when i already put furnace a fire and sit under the blanket with lots of candles on?

Please, release your anger at me.
Scream at my face, and mock me with your words.
Or, hit me everywhere you pleased,
get your feeling up into the surface.
So, i can see them.
So, i know how you feel.
So, we can back together to hit back the road again.

It’s simple explanation, i see.
You just don’t want me the way i want you.
And those destruction i made didn’t do anything to your decision, really.
You already know, that we can’t be together.
That we aren’t last.
As i always told you long before, but you resisted. always did.

I, whom are the realist.
Always thought about practical things, and possibilities.
And, we.. no matter how we work things out, we’ll end up..
to be like this?

You said, you don’t want to lose me.
You said, I’ll be the one and the last one for you.
You said, that as long as we’re together we’ll be fine.
And you said, we’ll be forever.

It’s cliche, I know in the first place i heard them.
but, i Loved you. too much, even my logic didn’t work the way it should.
I turned them off.

Please, wipe your face.
You look soggy, and i’m worry you get cold.
Just, stay for the night.
It’s rain and cold outside.

I know, you don’t want us to live together.
I won’t push. I won’t. I promise.
But, can you just stay for a night?

Even everything that i do, you do.
We’ll end up like this, right?
We’ll end up to you being wet in tears and rain.
Trying to hold up a relationship we know it’s sinking in.
And i’m trying to put you in comfort,
just to take the cold out of you and mind your body.

Crying for the sake of loosing, while actually we don’t even have anything in the first place.
Thinking about what will be about us after this.
Self destruction already been set countdown after you leave me here.
But, i know you’re more than ready than i am.
I never be ready to be left (again), even that i have to.
My life would be drawn.

So, now please.
do what you might.
Leave me, leave me like i always asked.
Screw my foundation, like i always predicted.
and don’t you say you’re hurted.
I knew, cause i’m the one who did that to you.

And leave, now.
I don’t care of what i’ve asked to you anymore.
Asking you to live in with me and spend our life together.
Or, we move abroad to have a brand new life we’ve always dreamed of.
Or, travel everywhere you like, and i don’t care as long as i’m with you.
Or, a lil bit of prioritize that you always put me behind everything.
while, my top is always you.
So, leave!
Leave now!


Little did we know

“Sure, son. You can talk anything to me”

“Your days, your achievements, your goals, your sins..”
“Yes, even your sins.”
“I’ll heard you as the ear of God. And i’ll forgive.”
“I’ll forgive as God will do to you.”
“So, tell me, son. What’s your story?”

It’s rain outside.
Of course, it always does.
None of my story starts with a bright day.
I don’t know why, but..

I walk to a church on that sunday morning.
haven’t had any thought of taking my car or a bike.
Even i know for sure, the church i’m going is about 30 mins walking far away.
And again, i’m saying it’s raining. But, i walk.

I left my phone in my car, where it parked in the lot of a place i rent.
I only have my coat, which starting to get soggy, as i walk.
oh.. and my mind floats.
Typical, i know.

“So, father.”
“I ain’t got any nerve to say it out, to open my self, to be real of what’s really happening on me right now.” i shiver. awkwardly plays around with the wet coat’s rope.
“It starts when i’m being honest and came out of the closet i’ve been comfort to live in”
“I told my parents, i want to be a buddhist. and being disowned rightaway. in the exact time, i told ’em out.”

The rain is falling even harder.
I know, it’s not good for me to keep going, so..
I turn my self  to a cafe that i passed.
And order a hot chocolate.

I never thought this cafe have a good hot chocolate after the first sip i take.
I never realize this is even a cafe.
I thought it was just..
ah, nevermind.

Or, is it good because the freezing rain-falling-sunday-morning and no one’s actually do anything, only few ones that got to go to the market, and me?
nevertheless, i love the ambience they have.
A lavender aromatherapy, with a touch of right level of humidity, and perfect light of a morning that actually dark cause it’s raining.
and, oh, the sound-therapy of a devotional hinduism music that been played around the room.

I don’t know what makes it good, but i enjoyed that.
My coat is soggy, not soaked. but, i know, if i keep moving, i will no longer can do liturgy.
I don’t know what comfort me, but i feel my feet on the ground again.
Even i’m start to thinking i got to stop doing this. I have to choose. I have to make a decision.

Hot chocolate goes through my throat, and comfort my cold belly.

“Why are you want to be a buddhist?” father asked. calm. i can feel a lil nervous in his tone, but.. his voice, just.. undoubtedly, comforts me in way.

“I feel connected to Siddharta. not as literal to his life, but.. you know, father.”
“It may doesn’t make sense for you. But, for me, it somehow does. It clicks just right.” I take a breathe.
“I’ve been going to Buddhist’s temple twice for Christ’s sake, but..”
“But somehow, that two times i went, feels like multipled my conviction that i’m really into this.”
“I don’t know, father.. i don’t know.” I brush my hair with my bare hands. and bowed down. a little remorse i felt after words out.

I look outside the window, watching the rain pouring even harder than before.
I’m flying through my mind. my eyes are stagnantly watch one and one spot only without any movement. I’m dead eyed watching rain.
I feel like i’m living in the different dimension.

In a dimension where i still have a family.
My mum who cooks for me, and getting my uniform ready for school.
My pop who getting ready for work, and taking me seriously when i made a mess out and scolding me in the breakfast table right away.
My sister and brother who fight for a chair beside mum.
A dimension i lost in time, when they gone by God’s calls.

I’m back with a chocolate’s drip on my pants,
“Oh, shit. I’m a mess.”

With those woken me up, i straightaway clean up my pants.
A waitress come and offer tissue for me.
“Thanks” i said.
And she smiled and left. I cleaned up.

I know that smile somewhere.
I think i do really know that smile.
“But, where?”

“Look now, what do we have here?” father asked retorically.
“What age are you?”

“22?” i answer while i look a stain on my pants, then raise my face up.

“You’re young, full of life, and potentials, also desires to know more about something that big, yet looks so small.”
“Listen, son. Christ has always been watching all along. He even writes you life. He decides what’s good for you, and throw the bad ones, even sometimes He mixed up everything somehow, He just try to make you learn that life isn’t always about seeing the goods while you have them, but helping ones who don’t have any.”
“My point is, maybe.. you are on a test of a God’s challenge. How strong your faith to Jesus is and how far you can go with this conviction.” Father explained with a deep voice. really deep one.

“What if…?” I asked, but…

“Son, listen to your own heart. What its saying?” Father interrupts.

I think hard.
Who’s this freaking-cute-abnormally-abuse-my mental-sick-and-throw-away-my-world smiley girl?
I knew her somewhere. I knew her somehow.
But, who is she?

I back with my chocolate-mug.
And sip a little more, while watching the same spot of windows.
And get ready to fly again.
To somewhere i don’t know. Somewhere i can feel happiness, perhaps?

“I don’t know, Father. My heart always trembling everytime i touch that side of my self, my beliefs.” I breathe in.
“I went to the mosque, and do shalah like my family taught me so, my heart is trembling like hell, i feel like crying, to remember all of my sins, or being grateful of what i have and achieve right now.”
“I went to monastery, somehow to the beach, to do rituals to worship and pray for Hyang. and it makes me feel like i’m being forgiven, that i become one with the universe itself.”
“And i went also to the temple, and pray. I feel like siddharta after all the life he left. i fell peace in the utmost of my senses.”
“And i’m here, at the church. talking to you, Father.. and you asked for me to ask my heart. i.. i.. i don’t know my heart. i can’t even touch that.” i’m drowning my face to my palm where it can hold a few of my tears. I’m shivered.

“I want believe God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, True Power of Universe, Hyang, The Divine, or whatever you named it, without any border to do something’s good.” I start sobbing.

“i see…” Father replies calmly.

“Excuse me, sir. we have an offer for a breakfast happy hour. Do you want to try them?” Someone wakes me up from my reverie.
I turned. it was her.

“eh.. uh.. umm.. sorry?” i missacted.

“Ah.. you’re daydreaming? I’m sorry to interrupt. But, we have an offer for you.”

“ah.. ah.. yes.. sorry, i’m amusing this early. so, what’s the offer?” i asked.

“yeah, rain would always perfect for being amused in a thought or so. i did the same alots. i enjoyed being in a room and watching rain drops, or even running wet to the road and plays with rain. ah.. now, i’m now amusing along too, am i not? ekekeheh” she smiles again. and her face is so relax as she smile, and comforted me to see those. She lean her left foot, and see the window too.

Darn! i must have fell in the same smile before, now i even fall deeper. What the hell with that smile? what is wrong with me, really?

“Ah.. Urrmm.. my apology, i always fascinated to see the rain too, and now i’m intervene your reverie. i’m about to offer you our breakfast promo you might interest.” she plots a gesture back to be a waitress.

And by that, i fell over again.

“Look, son.”
“I’m now here not talking as a priest. I’m here, as a human being sharing his own life’s experience to his child.” He sounds comforting, as he open the door of the chamber he’s using during our talks between congregation and its pastor.

We’re now facing each other.
His eyes are so comforting. i don’t know. But all parts of his presence are making me feel safe. Safe, as home. Ones, i don’t have but craving to death for that.

He’s hugging me. tight.
My sobbing are stopping immediately. My soaked coat getting warm from his hug.

“bla.. bla.. bla..” she explains the promotion. i’m not listening. i can just order one random menu, and that’s that. or, one she recommends for me.

“I’m humbly sorry, do i know you somewhere?” i interrupt her.

She changes her gestures, uncomfort, and looks around, as she come closer. and whisper:
“You don’t. But, if you feel i’m familiar, frankly i do feel the same.” and smiles.
“So, what would you order, sir?” she lifts up her voice to show her manager, she’s not do something not professional.

“I’ll have one half cooked salmon grill and one more hot chocolate, please.” after i looked up the menu.

“Son, God is one. you don’t have to choose. There’ll always be one God.”
“Even as a priest i know, God doesn’t have any religion. He just being Himself for all part of Him. I’m not talking about history or logic, cause there’ll be no exact explanation of Who God is? Where does He come from? Is He a He or She? or, How do He live? everything is just.. blurry to talk about in one explanation. All i know is, He just there for humanity. teach us about life and how to live it, and how to live it good.” He now release me from his hug.

“God is teach only one value of living: To do good with eachother living being. And that’s that. You don’t have to confuse of which way you have to choose.”
“I’ve been at your place, where i questioned everything and got lost, i was even worse. I decided to be an atheist once, till i found Jesus, and believe Him with all my might to live. And, here i am now. a well-known Priest in your town.” He smiles. And i don’t know how, it’s waaaay more comforting than ever before.

I smile. knowing what to do.

My breakfast has come.
They do really serve a good breakfast here.
One i can recommend to my roommate, i think.

The salmon grilled perfectly the way i wanted, it’s half cooked.
So, the surface of its looks grilled and cooked, but when i sliced it.. the inside of its still juicy and fresh. Just what prodigy they gave on this masterpiece?
I take  some, and eat it.

It was miraculously tasty, and as my nature i always close my eyes, to stop one sense working and give more sense to my tongue.
Then, the real magic happens.

I see a glimpse of heaven. and it’s not a methapor.
I know for sure, it is really a heaven. As a buddhist, i believe in reincarnation.
And i know for sure, i’ve been go up there and back for many times, could be thousands or more. I should’ve known how heaven looks like. i used to live there while i wait in the line of reincarnation.

And, i see her.

“Now.. now..” He breaks the silence after about 5 minutes.
“I see you’re already learned some of the religions known. But, why are you come out to your family a Buddhist?”

“…” i silent, give the church a space to do more breathe.
“Father, i was raised in multi-religion family. My grandmother is catholic, while my grandfather is an atheist. But, they married in a catholic way. They raised an open-minded family, they have 4 children, 2 of ’em turned moslem (including my pop), one of them turned to be an agnostic, and the last one choose Hinduism.”
“And by the way my grandparents raised their children, they really give ’em an open-bar to their kids choose what they want. democratic, really. Some of them are secular, but my father isn’t. He’s really into moslem. dag up deep about the religion, then he met my mum along the way, whom came from a well-known moslem family in town. So, automatically, the generation my parents made (3 of us) haven’t any right to choose as our cousins do. My aunts and uncle have a multi-religion-marriage, as they parents do.”
“I was raised to be moslem by my parents, but i too close with my big family. So, i learn the other way also. I did moslem-routine because i must too. But, i do other-religion’s prayer because i’m willing to. You know what’s the differences out of it, don’t you?” He nods.
“And so, by 14 i learned all the holy-books each religion have that i bought from my cousins and learned it seriously. And do things i’m willing to do religiously.”
“And i got comfort the most in Tripitaka.”

He grins.

I know now.
My tears are run down uncontrollable.
I know who she was. and i know just exactly who i was to her.

By the time she comes with the bill, i asked.
“Did you cook my food?”

She smiles, and nods.
This time. it’s all clear. The belonging i have for seeing her smile, and all that i see out of the blue from just eating her food.
I’m sure. I do really sure.

“Do you believe in reincarnation, and life after the life itself?”

She take one step back away from me. Not sure of what sorcery i’m trying to make.
“So, you already know who was i?” She says it surprisingly comforting.

I nod.

“Come here, son. Hug your mother!”

a Quarter

First, i don’t realize i’m not writing anything on this page for more than a year.
it feels like yesterday, tho.
I’m sorry for my self, i’m sorry i can’t share my present days fun or sobbing to my future self who might-most-likely laughing at my old self.
But, that’s okay.

So, what’s up?
It’s been a year, and i feel nothing’s change that much.
only.. i’ve become obsessed with my future.
and what will i achieve with my full-potential.
so, yeah.. i’m drowning into my present days.

and the differences?
well, let’s see..
my mom’s still living up in heaven and not coming back to me.
my family still hate to loving and love to hating me.
no girlfriend.
haven’t had a car (yet).
new gadgets (as always).
still sitting in the same cubical location. but, with more earnings 🙂
same glasses.
same shoes.
same uniform.
same computer.
same boss.
uh.. oh..
the difference is now i know how it feels like to be loved.
i guess?


So, this year my birthday come after ramadhan.
it’s day 2 of eid mubarak celebration.
the difference i feel about this year.
not only about the my expectation of my birthday (cause i ain’t hope anything)
but also, the feeling of what ramadhan gave to me this year.

remember how i face my ramadhan or birthday or any big days before?
yes, i was so dramatic that i put dramas to each second i absorb my breath.
this year? not so much.
i was decided to not feeling anything by not making any days specials.
and somehow, it works.

this year’s ramadhan, i get to know my bestfriend, dira’s family even closer than before (note that, last year i haven’t recognize by the family).
and it feels warm, even somehow when i am back home i feel empty somehow. but, it’s okay. i’m okay.

and by the time comes, eid mubarak just hit me so hard i can’t even..
i’m deciding to go out with my friends to dodge the feeling i have each time i heard lebaran’s song (takbiran) in every mosque in around.
and, i got home a little tipsy. but, that’s okay.

my birthday comes.
and it’s flat.
because it’s eid mubarak day 2, everyone is still with their family. and i’m forgotten. TYPICAL.
but, in the end of the day, Dira’s family just hit my core.
everybody’s singing me a birthday song after dinner, and kind of surprised me.
i.. am.. speechless.
and again, i feel stoopid because in that kind of situation no body knows what to do.
you just smile, make a surprised face, a happy one, and waved.
but, to think about it, it was the most beautiful scene i have since my mum passed away.
or, since before. i can’t even think a good birthday.
and, so far it was the best i have.
i couldn’t think a more beautiful way to be done.
i cried. a little.

oooooooookay, i admit.
i made a scene before my birthday.
with Dira. and all other guys.
i did it simply because i don’t want to expect.
i get used to be forgotten on my own birthday while i’m always be the most busy person to prepare my friend’s surprise birthday party.
i’m not trying to get points here.
what i’m trying to say, i know what i expect would be overwhelmed my friends cause it’s high. and the higher expectation would just give me the greater pain of disappointment.

… and i read all the secret chat they have.
and bombing them with my rudeness.
and the planning is off.
i feel evil, but i save my own dignity and heart to not feeling disappointed.
funny thing about the bombing is.
you know how they managed to talking a group of three without me, eh?
and all i see in the conversations is full of Nadilla and Dira ideas.
someone was lost in the group.
once, i bombed it.
he comes up with “umm.. sorry, what are you guys talking about?”
(because he didn’t read and join the conversation, he confused with all the bombing) 😀
and i cracked up much. can’t help my self 😀

the thing is..
when you love someone, you’ll do any way possible to make the person you love happy.
even when i told them, have a simply fine dinner with a small group i love and loved me back would be just enough to make me happy. (and of course, an apple watch, macbook, and mirror less as a gift wouldn’t harm anyone to make me even happier)
and they planned a second plan.
i smelled it in the first place.
but, after bombing the plan before, i feel a lil guilty. and got advised to play a fool flowing with their plain. so, i did.

i even cancelled my plan to going out weekend for the sake of their second plan.
i’m bragging right now, am i not?

the day of the second plan’s come.
i got tricked by Nadilla to have a private talks in the noon after i worked out.
the thing is, she never wakes up early. or i said, before 11.59 am.
and i texted her like 10.30 or 10.45am she is fully sober. i suspect. but, again. i play a fool.

we talked. much.
and i realized, she is trying to control the timeline of the plan.
i’m starving. so bad.
and starting to act. it’s making her nervous, i read.
and, i’m embracing my starving.

in the end of the talk, we decided to have a meal for dinner.
and waiting our friends there.

up we go.
and when i reach the place, somebody put my eyes close with a sleeve.
and try to kidnap me, i scream of course.
but, just to messed around.
i’m letting them kidnap me, because i know who are they.
it’s Dira, Faiz, and of course that woman, Nadil.

i was taken to a car.
and got clothed out.
i screamed at the car, again. just to mess around.
cause i know, we are on a taxi going somewhere.

i still screaming to messed around when we arrived.
i don’t know where, if it’s a mall or it’s a hotel.
someone with air conditioner on low setting.
i feel cold, because for god’s sake my shirt was unbuttoned.
i feel naked.
and i keep screaming, now i know they’ll embarrassed for the screaming.
my face is covered by the sleeve to put my eyes not working
and their the one who got the hits of what i did.

i enter a narrow room, with a girl inside.
i screamed at her.
i then realized it’s an elevator.
i assumed we are on a hotel, not a mall.

okay, i’m right.
we’re entering the room.
and i open my eyes.

you guys (Dira, Nadilla, Faiz) know, what was my response.
it’s flat.
yes, because i know what you’ve been up to.
and even if i don’t, i don’t know how to response.
i never have been treated this way, this special.

And this time,
i’ll try to make it right.


Dear Dira, Nadilla, and Faizal.
I know i’ve been a jerk for giving you that kind of response.
If you know how a kid response to what he likes, you can read how happy i am to get those from you, especially from you.
Though, i know i made a scene, and i blow you out.
It’s a typical response of me, who never get surprise-ed by anyone in this world. ever. i protect my self to expect. i protect my self to be hurt.
… by hurting you.

I was happy in the utmost of everything at that time.
I just don’t know how to express it.
I get used to see how people happy for whatever it is, for what i did, or anything.
and right at the happiness someone stock around,
i feel the same amount of happiness they have.
and i don’t expressed it, somehow i just cried a little.
and that’s how i response to happiness.

by the time i open my eyes in the room.
i barely broke down my defense and cried.
but, i didn’t, cause someone.. faiz.. you know.

i secretly observe every details on the room.
i know it’s hard to put decorations like that.
and without you saying, i know it’s hard to prepare all of those in that room.
how you put your effort, ideas, and love through all that.
how you guys really make it nearly-perfected but, surely it was SO PERFECT FOR ME!
(don’t mind my words i was saying back then, idk how to express you know)
i.. i.. i never been that happy since, you know.
what all the posts in this page are saying

i love you, guys.
i really am speechless of what Dira had through
what you, my mate, my soulmate. did everything for me.
what you had to thought everything out,
what you had to do by your own.
how you had to create an army to make those gifts.
how you showed what a true love really is.
how you truly love me for whatever it is.
thank you for all of that.
i love you! i love you so damn much, man!

i really appreciate what Nadilla had done
i know you support Dira all along.
ups and downs he told you all.
the ideas of everything that thought to make me happy (it does! IT SURELY DOES!)
and all the efforts to make the plan runs out well.
i love you for everything you loved me.

and Faizal.
i don’t know where you are in this actually.
but, doesn’t need a big balloon with a confetti to show how you loved me.
i know it for sure, man.
Thank you!

And this part of post i created is dedicated to you.
i want to you to know, expressing something i feel isn’t something i’m good at.
but, may my words pay all the Love i’m feeling right now.
let my words told you how i get a climax of being a happiest guy in the earth.
to get served the way you guys did.
I LOVE YOU, and that’s that.


The next surprise is the ones that really blows my mind to the utmost heaven!
do you remember i got kidnapped by the guys in a restaurant?
i brought my bike with me that time.
and it parked out there all the times we are in the hotel.

So, we came to there (again).
and i don;t see the gesture of them planning anything.
when i open a room Dira has served us.

i saw pure of happiness!
all of my family i love the most (the not-loved-ones are not there, thanks for that!) are there with a cake on their hands.
ah.. my guard has been falling to pieces.
i can’t hold it. i cried a little.

all of my family i love is there.
my sister, my cousins, my nephews, all along with their gestures.
and this is what i dream how it is.
i just.. really speechless.
i can’t even find a word for the gratitude.
i love you, guys!
it’s just too much, too much i can handle a happiness in a day.

i love you, guys.
i love you, DIra.
you’re the head-gang from all of that happened.
i love you to the infinity and back!



it’s another birthday post.
it’s another annoying words i have to write on this blog.
not have to, i just somehow feel obligated to have this keyboard a touch.
or anything..

yes, this post’s gonna be all about me.
or, my life.
or, whatever i’m having through.
or, whatever i’m thinking of.

so, let’s just try to start on it.


i’m still Arief Julio S. Budi who loves to talking about feeling, but avoiding to do so.
i’m still arguing and fighting against my mind of which religion is which.
i’m still running from the fact that i’m no longer have things as i dreamt.
and i’m still me, me self and all about me whom get nervous everytime i’m start talking.
now, i’m nervous typing.

i can’t believe what i’ve already through.
it’s much worse than what i’m imagine it would be, or let’s say.. what i’m already have faced.
my childhood gave me a glimpse of the kind of future i would face. but..
later i know, it’s only a God’s script i have to cast and played on to.
and i live it well.
i used to think life would be nothing but the play station. cause my childhood is full on play station, hide and seek, and girls.
but it turns out like “for the love of the mother earth, please take me in my sleep!”

it’s been what..
two decades or so, and what the heck am i thinking that long?

uh.. umm.. i may thinking apple most of my time thinking.
and the second most, is how do i afford to buy those apples.
nothing compares the happiness of me having every apples i ever want in one time.
but, what about life?
life doesn’t give me apples, they gave me lemons. and savory of its bitterness.
so, i had to fight for my apples.

somehow, one of the apples turn into something’s not even steve job or tim cook could make.
something i can’t buy with money, or credit card, or even one-night-stand-treatment
something i called “the apple of my eyes” (ewwwwwhhhhh.. it’s freaking cheesy-nuts!)
but, well..
somehow somewhen i’m thinking of it also.
like, what will my life be in the next 6 or 10 years from now?
i might already said, that i’ll be just a more awesome guy with no organized-wifes or so, living alone in my own-paid apartment, and maybe have some more kids that what i own now, and even more kids, because i know people would propose me to be their children’s godfather.
living overseas, talking several languages, and have bunch of money that i made by my passion.

maybe developing my careers in this very-now company i worked in, living in a small-minimalistic house with a little happy family with two beautiful beautiful smart children, separated by 2 years and have a wonderful beauty sharp and bright and also have a great manner kind of happy wife.
but, i don’t know now~

okay.. what more do i think~
that now i’m happy with my life (yes, i am. since when i’m not?)
that i have found a brand new passion of knowing each-other persons in a group that i still have plenty of times to spent making memories of its for the entire time along. i have new friends.
not, that i’m not happy with my oldies. i always know i have their backs, and so they have mine.
but, to know that more persons are dealing with your dailies such um..
another kind of feeling to starting something exciting.
and having that daily-partner whom supports me whatever it takes. i mean really, i never have these feeling of getting my self treated that much, it’s me who always (think i) do that hard stuff to make people special, and somehow i never have treated that way back (though, i did it sincerely and never asking things back – i did it like EVER), but this partner do.

my every night classes’s and weekend companions

to learn something new from the lecturers, and to know that i guaranteed my own future in this very self-investment.
to develop my passion into something i would dare to dream big since i’m starting.
to running and holding hands while it’s raining and kissed under the mistletoe.
(totally wrong picture of this post. although, it would be nice to have some)

i briefly realized, how far differences a year could make.
i may been a strict jerk to kick people out of my border, while the truth is i always want them in.
i may been super confuse to needing-super needing! people to hear me out of all my head-banging-stressed-randomly-brain storm i always had once in a while, but when they do hear me, i’m trembling to fight against my body that i can not like ever to tell them, cause “what’s the point?!” and i will be sorry if i did.
and i may been very not supporting of having this kind of super-mega-ultra-moody kind of thing which always brings me back to the year 2012 where life stabs me very bad near to death but, they don’t take my life instead.

well, then i may feel and do sorry about those.
i am apologizing now. please do forgive me 🙂

and, it’s officially the 3rd birthday without celebrations at all.
back to that thing, i never had any celebrations of my birthday-ever.
or.. uh.. i never realized and thankful of those little things? maybe.
cause, i always dream big. and sometimes it’s killing (though, life wouldn’t take my life just yet)

3 years without a person that make these all reality.
3 years of birthday i always grieving instead feeling blessed.
3 years of waking up at night and cry, getting up without any breakfast, and go to work without uniform being prepared while i hit the shower.
3 years of no phone/text asking me to come home or what to eat for dinner.

and the 3rd birthday i get my self doomed before July 7th.

i miss her right now, or if i may say… every second of my life.
i still can’t shake this feeling. it’s like i can’t make my self relinquish all of it at once, or gradually.


so, apparently, those all i’m recently thinking about.
and again, it’s still me, yours
your family, (second family, third, or so..), (maybe) soulmate, bestfriends, life partner, college mates, random partner, bouncer, mental-support, brother, listener, love-to-hate, hate-to-love kind of guy, and randomly stranger.

and those what contains in it, which i believe is better, i know it is.


here i am for the first day of 24th.
wish me luck, happy and prosper!
stay young and shit


p.s: and by the way, thanks for the prays (or not) that i really find it’s happening (that something’s good thing) – and also, something i always wanted.


rindu, tak bisa lagi kuungkapkan
sebagaimana hujan yang menangisi onggokan
atau gravitasi yang menelan tubuh

lelah sudah semua otot tubuhku
remuk redan bersama keringat yang bercucuran dari mata
keinginan untuk mengubah aliran radiasi kepada simbol-simbol
yang tak mungkin bisa di lahap sementah itu oleh siapapun
bahkan, untuk dia..

seluruh lumpur dan darah yang menyatu dalam hujan, dan luka
menjadi saksi yang terus mengalir dan tak hentinya mengatakan
hal yang paling ku tak bisa dengar

aku remuk, rusak, dan hancur tak terbandingi
tak ingin kulit manapun menyentuh lumpurku, lukaku

perang ini sudah usai, katamu
semua mengangkat pedang dan mengayuhkannya pada luka mereka sendiri
mereka tak menangis, tapi aku!

bunga tertabur dalam setiap tangisan
teriakku pun hanya akan menjadi penghias otot telinga yang menjauh
lari dan memeluk yang selalu ingin dipeluk

tertegun, semua telah usai
aku terlalu jauh untuk pulang kerumah
aku mengaku kalah

When It Rains

now i sit in the bed with blanket covered.
i know, i’m not supposed to sit on the bed.
especially with drink on the left hand,
and cigarette on the right.
it dark at the moment, the room was off elictricity.
and heavy rain on the outside makes even darker.
it feels like the rain won’t stop at any time soon, but the night still continue.
candle light starts to warms the room.
and it had me trapped my mind.

i walked on the night to no destination.
with nothing to see, hear, or feel.
i just walked until..
nah, maybe i just walked till my feet tear apart to bones.

rain still falling like they teases me.
“i know, man. i used to love you!” i screamed the window.
“we had our time. we had everything we ever wanted. we were happy”
“i know i promised you everything. but…”

the hole i’ve been caring doesn’t get better.
the walk doesn’t help, my feet starts bleeding, the night darkening.
i start searching something to rely awhile.
i walk, maybe until somehow i found something or someplace to rely, and sit a while, then walk to nothingness again.

i see a light.
it’s dimmed.
but, i was too desperate to find another, so i came there.
i light my cigarette, it burns like it suffers.
but, somehow.. it gave me release.

and that time, i try to learn something.
is that what happiness do to the other side?
i mean, someone’s happiness was got from someother’s sacrifice(s)
i don’t even know of how if it works that way.
and i got blurred.

the electricity still won’t come.
my battery starts to reduce, and the rain doesn’t want stop teasing me.
somehow, they made a splash on my face.
insults me with the freezing joy of freedom.
i grin.

i lay my self, watching the dimmed light.
picturing my self on some house with a warm bright light.
companied by a wife and hot chocolate talking things with smile and laugh.
i grin.

then, i start my walk again.
i’m avoiding to picturing my own self since then.
i commited to walk my own on the dark alone, didn’t i?
face everything on my very own thought and not have to crappy discuss everything with anyone.
run and exhausted all alone, getting wet and laugh by my self, and even compliment my own outfit.
and that was what made people think i’m crazy.
and also..
to walk alone in the dark without destination, and make it like it’s the achievement i’ve made.
to think i don’t have to make anyone missereable for my missereable phase(s).
i get it as a win.
i walk again, with a smile on my face.

yes, we used to be together and have a happy time.
we used to get all over each other without second-thinking of what people would think to see us like.
it’s all worth the happiness.

i still walk, and my bleeding become worse.
the night even darker and getting colder.
i shiver, and scared.
i cover myself with paper.
and then come times when i can’t feel anything anymore.
my bleeding doesn’t feel hurt, even i can’t feel the warmth of the loves in the bright-warmth light i pictured last time.
i am numb. lost and numb.

i collapse.
then. all of my body doesn’t felt any pain. not even a bit of a suffer.
i get my self back up, and pinch my self without hesitation. i am strong.
i’m start to think that i am invincible now.
i can rule my self. i walk in the dark, without seeing what i’ve kicked or trampled while i walk.

the rain doesn’t stop there.
now, the insults become real.
i saw a kid running below the street light.
he was smiling and laughing, as if it was the best day of his.
run through as an airplane, then fell down to the ground, and laughing.

“well, man..”

i  don’t hate my self no more.
i enjoying to be invinsible, walking in the dark not caring anything.
i don’t even think what’s happened in the back.
it’s all the walk of glory, i beat my own fear. i beat my own sadness, i beat my self from the suffer.
it’s good to be invincible!

until i got stumbled and down.

it starts bleeding. and won’t stop.

i don’t remember of this pain. i don’t even remember how pain feels like.
it hurts, hurts like death! i’m dying. i’m almost lost my blood off out the body.
i.. i.. i can’t take it anymore.
kill me now, God! don’t even hesitate to take my soul right now.
don’t even consider what world would be without my presence.
there will be nothing/none gonna cry on me.
no body will be sad and felt lost with my death.
take me now. i order you!!!

the kid won’t stop playing around on my sight.
i’m starting to envy.
i’m digging my memory back to when i was happy.
even the darkest night is as nice as the sunshine day to playing around.
mostly, when i used to love the rain.
how it sounds when it touch the ground.
how it smells when it starts blend with the grasses.
how it drops to my head and make me feel like blessed and run to cherish.
how it makes me dance without music, cause the sound of the drops is the music it self.
and how it covered my tears when i’m blue.
and smiling to pretend everything okay to my friend.

i woke up in a place.
it warm.
i never ever been in a place this warm before.
unless, my imaginary. ah..
even the place i used to know about this is left.
i left my imagination. i left it all.

but, wait..
why i feel comfort?
why i feel safe?
why i feel fine?
on most of all, how could i feel these feelings?
i used to froze my heart and mind to not feeling anything anymore.
am i already death now?
is this what heaven is? is this what heaven for me is?
my imaginary of home and feeling everything i imagining of the room?

someone then come.
“are you awake?”
she then sit next to my very first comfortable-life-saver-undeniable-will-die-in-this-kind-of bed i laid.
“oh, thank god. you’re awake.” she said.
“i found you all blacked out and suffer of nothing”
“i used to think that you might stabbed around your body”
“but then i checked, no blood or any harm in yours.”
“i try to wake you, but you keep moaning in pain”
“i was so confused that you so suffered in pain without harm”
“so then i decided to take you here”
“how’s your feeling now?”

i’m speech impared.
my body paralized.
and my mind can’t work.

“it’s okay.”
“you’re save here with me now” 

i grab my gun.
then run downstairs.
i can’t take it anymore, i have to do this.
once i touch the ground, the rain still pouring hard.
i’m all wet in an instant.
the kid looks me on edge, he looks scared.
i’m pointing the gun unto him.
he shocked, and can’t even move right now.
i grin. and said “this is what you get, if you take me to the dark side”

i shoot him.

then, he chuckled, and run.
i keep shooting him in vain.
i shot him many times, in head, shoulder, butt, feet, and hands.
he then chuckle more, and laughed “more!! come get me!!”
yeah, i shot him with my water gun.
he then run, and i try to catch him.

i catch him!
grab him up, and throw him happy.
then i hugged him. he smiled.
“thanks to remind me how i used to be, and how to make life fun again”

he then disappear on my shoulder.
without a goodbye.


3rd Mothers Day

December 22nd for the 3rd

Happy Mothers Day, mom.
i believe that dedicating a day in a year wouldn’t enough
to show how world loves moms
and, most how i love you.

last weekend i met a guy, mom
it was so random, that we talked things out like we had been known each other for centuries
in fact, he was just a boyfriend of my (female)friend that she want me to know.
or, so..

we talked about stuff, work, love, life..
and somehow, between the talks, he touched that area
the area i don’t want to talk about.
the area i don’t want to remember.
the area you know, always be the reason of my sudden-drop moods.
the area of traumatized.

he asked me to forgive my self, mom.
what should i have to forgive?

today, everyone post pictures with their moms, everywhere
i can’t stand it, mom.
as i remember, we don’t have a good shoot together.
except when i was a child and you were happy.

did you happy to have me?
did my existence becoming the reason you leave this soon?
did i ruin every moment of your life of happiness?
did you want me?

gee.. i don’t want to think this way, but..
how much i want you here just now.

do you remember every moment we talked,
every moment of laughter,
every moment of you shout at me,
and every moment of tears we had?

i could give my life to have that right now, mom.

and that guy i talked about somehow asked me.
“do your mom happy with seeing you like this right now?”
do you, mom? do you happy see me like this?
see me living life the way i do right now?
see me thinking everything in such ways and figure it out all of my own?
see me this way?

well, i’m writing as you would read this.
stupid, eh?

so, here’s i want to say to you:

others may showed the world how they love their mom
a world may showed the galaxy
but, i.. whatever i showed you, you already have the biggest most true undeniable forever true love in heaven, there
and i, i just be like the son who you always talking to whenever you sad, angry, happy, breakdown, and need someone to listen, love, or hug like we used to.
while now, i’ll only could be the one who pray you the most prays, love you the most honest, and missing you the most of all things i’ll ever feel to anyone.

we will meet again there, mom.
meanwhile, i’ll be a good kid as you want me to be.

Happy Mothers Day (:
i love you.

biarkan saya menggunakan bahasa. bahasa yang mungkin tak kamu kenal, atau pahami. bahasa persahabatan.