Mothers Day.

There was a time when I was alone
Nowhere to go and no place to call home
My only friend was the man in the moon
And even sometimes he would go away, too
Then one night, as I closed my eyes
I saw a shadow flying high
He came to me with the sweetest smile
Told me he wanted to talk for awhile
He said, “Peter Pan, that’s what they call me
I promise that you’ll never be lonely, ” and ever since that day~

I am sitting here on my mum’s gravestone.
Trying hard to not cry cause, what people might think of a grown man in a delinquent outfit with a grey hair and bouquet of his mums favourite flowers in the dusk alone crying in that time?
Not that i give any sh*t of what people might think of me.
But, i just want to honour what my mum’s life has gave people’s life meaning. including me. mostly me.
And i don’t want to be seem ruining it.
I’ll be just this unknown people who mourn of her passing away.

---

7 years old i was in that orphanage.
Crying in silence on my knee or under my own pillow till it’s soak and make me should rushing to dry it on the roof first time in the morning when everyone is still fast asleep so no body will notice.
Or, perhaps i let it be, and make people think i piss on my bed every night i do cry. But, no.. I don’t want to be a burden.
Never will i let my self be a burden.

Mum was all i had. But she wasn’t strong enough to endure the lemons of life reality brew and ripen to her.
At least, that is what i thought that is.
I blame her.
Yet, i still can’t even think i could even live without her.
I was too young to be left in this world alone. And too fragile to let fall over and over and over again.

The day of the funeral, my aunt take my custody for the sake of whatever they call ‘inheritance’.
Lots of people talk in the background, it feel so blurred i can’t remember a thing. Not even i’m able to remember how much tears i shed that day. My cousin said, i had none.
But, later that day. i move in to my aunt’s home, i don’t really feel like home. It was so weird. I feel so alienated. And never been so away from reality i’ve been given in my life.
And i used to live in a broken home, where no father figure have ever been in a picture.
And my house never was a home for anyone who was living in that building. It was only a shelter.
But, this home was feels like even worse than that.

So, i took a very long step away from that house.
Unannounced.
I only took 2 shirts for change, 1 jacket (in case i ever get cold), and a picture of me when i was a baby in the held of my mum’s arms with me when i go.
I looked so happy, and innocent with that frame.
But, it feels like centuries ago. I can’t even remember that ever happened.
I look in the back of that photo “July 7th, 2012”.
Only 6 years ago.
“Ah, never mind..”

I walked and see around.
There was actually nothing to be seen that time.
It was half an hour past 2 in the morning, so.. that should be the reason why.
I saw a shooting stars once or twice while i walk, but then i still refuse to even make a wish, any wish.
I only think that the best think i could ask is a hug, and only a hug.
that is a luxury i am audaciously dream when i feel like i’m worth it.
but, i never even once, am.

Dusk, the sun starts peeking.
I still walk towards nowhere. Haplessly looking forward to a point when i can feel it’s the finish line.
Warm my body lost its shiver of cold. I start taken off my jacket and spread it in the high-grass field i didn’t even know exactly at.
I’d think it should be better if i sleep when the sun is out.
I never sleep in dark. I hate it. I feel frowzy every time i do.

And something awakened me.
It’s the familiar soothing feeling i never knew i had. but, again. It is so familiar, i never feel more safe in my life, than the feeling i had with this thing awaken me.
I feel the universe smiling at me for the very first time.
A strange feeling, but again. I knew it somewhere.
It smells so comforting. Like a home-made cook, in a loving house-hold filled with love and affection, a laughter was heard somewhere around me.
But, when i look around, there is nothing but a mild white space, nothing too sparky, but it is definitely something i would address as the most radiately glancing sight my eyes can span out.

Someone was there already, with the most gracious smile, i never had my entire life.
Oh, maybe i had. But, it was a slight second of memoirs that flashed in my mind.
She offers her hand, and ask me to take her hand and follow her.
I hesitant.
My mind was all fuzzy with all the flashy memories that happened to hit me in that very time alone.
Like, tons of broken puzzles was thrown in a table and it sorts on its own, without me do anything.
I think i know that smile.
I think i know that face.

“OH!!!”

It is actually the same smile i saw back then.
I barely remember that face, cause she looks so different from the memories i had.
I saw her when the first time i open my eyes in this world after i was born.
She…
She was…
She…

SHE IS MY MUM !!!

“Don’t worry, child.”
“You’re here now. Come..”

I take her hand, and she hugged me.
And every broken bones, broken hearts, all the pains, and sufferings are magically fixed.
All the puzzles that thrown in the table has formed a picture of a story of my life.
It starts with a smiling baby and its mum, the very smile i just saw in the face of a woman i held in my hug right now.
Moving side, there is a silhouette of a man leaving both of us crying in the house i can recall as a shelter before.
And the woman was working 4 jobs to fulfilling what the baby needs. She cries, she bleeds, she fell, and she hurts along the way.
But, in the end of the day, she was smiling holding her baby who was so happy seeing her face again after being neglected for the day in that very reasons.
She bought all the necessities the baby need without flaws with every pennies she earned from the 4 jobs she did, and she often had to hold her hunger to feed the baby the best food there is without any doubt.
Until the baby has grown, and she fell a sick.
And the rest are history i vividly remember.
THAT I BLAME HER FOR EVERYTHING.

I bawl and drown in tears of contriteness.
She pat me gently, with the pressure of a loving touch i can barely remember, but i know i had those. i did have those.
And she said,
“That’s okay, my son. I’m sorry and forgive you for every little things we had back in the living.”

“But, here we are now. Finally, together in love. Together in devotion. Together in eternity. You are mine as i am yours forever since now.”

And i know, i had lived from the love. And leave of love. I’ll never be alone anymore.

---

I put the bouquet of the favourite flowers my mum love in front of the gravestone.
Along with the a handwriting letter i wrote back when i was 7 years old.
I shed my tears that had fallen some in my ripped soiled jeans jacket i use along with the ripped short showing some of my scars from my fight few yeas back, saying..

“HAPPY MOTHERS DAY, THE BEST MUM EVERY KID EVER HAD HAVE HOPE FOR.
I LOVE YOU FROM THE VERY FIRST BREATH I TAKE TO THE LAST ONE I WHISTLE AS I THINK OF YOUR HUMMING LULLABY.

X,
YOUR SON.

*ps: i promise to make you proud of me someday!!! x)”