7 YEARS

well, it ain’t a chocolate dipped strawberry like story.
it’s more like a a a a a a… storm outside while you feel so lonely inside a dark room with no one to share your stories with or even cup of hot beverages to calm your mind off from spiralling..

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Do you ever feel like you’re floating in some thin air and couldn’t even breathing, but yet you do and the air that you breath feels like a poisonous dusts and nothing you can do but to surrender to the fact, that you are dying, but your soul won’t go away, so it feels like you are hanged by a thread, and no matter how hard you are try to shovel soils to buried your body into, or collecting cordwood for your incineration, or even preparing the wave in the ocean to take your soon to be swamped body away from people to be seen, you just languishly living and dying in every single breath that you take?

Or, do you ever wishing something so bad so bad that people might think you are crazy to even give time to think about it, ergo you just keep containing those thoughts that you know however point of view you might be able to see it, it won’t budge the very fact that it is a really really so so bad idea to wish for, heck even to think about. hence, you are a stupid maniac mentally disturbed looney covered by a layer that might have just been seen as an okay person, you know, they know, world knows that it is a layered manipulation or ostensible, but no one even bothered to budge the layer so they don’t have to deal with your drama?

Or, do you ever walking around in a crowd with red wine mixed with cold beer on the right hand, and unstoppable smoking weed on the left, build upon a distraction of something ruining inside your head to actually having fun for just a second, your friends are there really trying to shower you with love they think you need, and you do, but no matter how hard they try to, they just can’t breach the wall you’ve built and that you are just alienated your self from the reality, it’s numb, really numb, not a pinch or even strike by lightning can shove those alienation, you feel you are just an outsider that no one loved, even your death wouldn’t be discovered, not until your body is already decomposed, and spread a smell for at least a block?

I wish, any of you can relate.
Cause, at times, i don’t know when.
I don’t want to be alone.

7 years, and it gotten worse.
7 years, and i haven’t moved on.
7 years, and i’m still abruptly woken up at 2 am and sobbingly crying.
7 years, and i miss you more.

People said, time will heals.
It does, to whatever wounds i do have outside the very body of mine, broken ribs from one drunken night i fell into some drain in the road, scratch to deep skin from one crazy night with alcohol, with a lot of blood involved, i had to throw my shirt away it looks like a homicide evidence, or even damaged liver and hearts cause you know… drunk all night long and working in the day light every day of the week, oh… also my lungs that corrupted and believed blackened because of toxic gasses that i forced to suck in my body and it piling up to some sticky disgusting mucus that can’t be taken away. BUT HEY, TIME HEALS, AND NOW I’M FINE!

But, i am not.

Deep down inside, i know i am not.
I never am. Or, maybe will ever be.
Or, so i thought.

7 years ain’t that long.
But, boy… do i count, it is ain’t easy to pass it fast too.
I am broken, yet toughen, yet broken.
It ain’t easy.
It isn’t.